Uncontrollable

I’ve had so many theories for why my gender dysphoria developed. And I hoped and believed pregnancy might make it go away. Because I hoped and believed I might be awestruck at the power of my body. Making a PERSON. Wow-zaa!

Then in the first trimester I was incredibly sick. I put on weight. I was wiped out for months. I was nauseous for months. My boobs grew insanely fast. But I didn’t really experience any GD. Until my mother saw me and began her campaign about all the weight I was gaining.

So we can blame my mother, if we want. If it helps we can remember she is deeply ashamed of her body which made me and now I am deeply ashamed of my body that made my son and I guess it’s just how things are.

But here’s what I think I really can’t deal with about a female body- how it’s totally uncontrollable. Things just happen. The body just does it’s own thing, like there’s not even a person who has to live in it.

So pregnancy did not cure me. It ended up exacerbating the GD. Because I don’t really feel like I, me, the person was pregnant, I feel like I witnessed a pregnancy. A witness who had to feel everything, so worst kind of witness to be really, but it felt like my body was doing something and I just was strapped in for the ride. And it still feels that way.

Being female can feel so much like being an animal, in a terrible way. That’s the great shame, and the fear, that you’re not quite a person because you’re the sex that is more like an animal. I guess animal/child combo. But then pregnancy and birth and mothering an infant is in fact very, very, very much like being animal. I once woke up in the middle of running down the hallway because the husband was changing the kid and the kid was crying.

And maybe that’s what I couldn’t deal with about breastfeeding. The lack of control. The leaking and the engorgement. Ugh, I still get a shiver thinking about engorgement. Truly one of the most nightmarish things I’ve experienced. Rock hard and bright red. Awful.

But it’s not like I hate animals? I’m pretty nice to animals, I’ve been very close to some, I tend to try not to hurt them. But the idea that I have an animal’s body that does animal things like gestate and birth and nurse- i am so ashamed to exist this way.

I mean, important that people act on the female body in pretty horrific ways. Important that when you give birth people just stick their hands in you without a heads up about it. So….I mean that’s probably the problem with being an animal. You are a living object whose purpose is to be physically manipulated. And that’s also how it feels to be pregnant at a hospital. Pushed and entered and monitored and moved and poked and dripped. Stay put stay put stay put.

I used to think I’d end up forgiving my body someday for being female. I don’t know. Probably not. If pregnancy exacerbated the GD aging certainly won’t help. I think the hope of victory over this thing was delusional for me. And no I’m not saying the solution is transition. that would be balls out insane for me and my life. I’m just saying I’m not victorious and I wouldn’t describe myself at peace and I generally hope other people aren’t experiencing this although I know they are.

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