My last vid for awhile, but there will be way more writing!

Hi. I’m going to stop making videos for awhile. It’s because I have kind of had spikes in my gender dysphoria, especially recently with making these videos. I hate commentary about my appearance, whether it’s positive or negative. In some ways I hate the positive stuff a little bit more. Getting comments about me being pretty or you liking my smile or something like that, like I will be polite in my response to it because I know you’re trying to be nice, but truly I hate commentary on how I look. And it’s frustrating because I do think that like visual media is a lot more accessible to people, and I think that I’ve reached a lot of people that I wouldn’t have been able to reach without doing youtube videos, and then also it’s meant having to deal with like how people react to my face and my body as like a symbol, and I hate that. It makes me feel real dysphoric, it makes me feel like you know, I think the number one thing that I find frustrating about being female is that you get looked at rather than listened to and lately these videos have really made me feel looked at rather than listened to. I’m gonna stop making videos, I’m going to go back to writing for awhile. Writing really helps remind me that like my experience of the world matters, that my experience of the world is interesting, that other people can learn from my experience of the world, and what’s great is that when you write an essay no one comments on it about how you look, which is great. Since I’m going away for a little bit in terms of videos and I’m just going to work on writing, you know I hope that maybe some of you will follow my writing. That would be great. I understand that a lot of people just aren’t big readers. I sort of wanted to talk a little bit more about my values because I feel like a lot of people have guessed a lot at my values, and I’m not trying to be like an opinion-maker on everything in the world. I’m really like, I think I’ve said before my three opinions are like, people thinking about gender transition should think carefully about all the pieces in their lives that are going to be affected by this, and to not just buy into this idea like, “I have a true self that needs to be unfolded before the world” without thinking about like, how’s it going to affect your liver, how’s it going to affect your bank account, how’s it going to affect people you can date, how’s it going to affect where you can live, how’s it going to affect everything else you want to create in the world? That’s one opinion, the other opinion I strongly hold is that I don’t think people under 18 should be making these decisions, I don’t think they grasp enough about the world to understand all the ways that these medical decisions have consequences. I really don’t think you start to grasp it until 25. In my ideal world you wouldn’t be able to transition until you could rent a car. And what’s my third opinion…oh, and that people who detransition should know there are lots of other people like them out there, you are far from the only one, you don’t have to buy into a political, like a certain political belief to choose to detransition. If it’s the best thing for your life, great, you’re not a lost cause, you’re not messed up, this is actually like, I wouldn’t say that it’s normal, but you’re not a freak. Your experience is not freakish. Believe you me, we are out there, and like, meet up with detransitioners and I think that you’ll find it like rewarding in like a lot of surprising ways. I think you’ll be surprised by how much you have in common with other people who chose this route, and, I feel like you’ll start to see strengths that we really have as a demographic, and, I don’t know, it’s good to meet other people who are like you because you feel affection for them and then it helps you feel affectionate towards yourself, and you should feel affectionate towards yourself, you’re great. Those are my three beliefs in terms of trans stuff. People have kind of guessed like, oh Carey’s Catholic. Yeah, I’m pretty much the world’s worst Catholic, because I never go to church and I think being lesbian or gay is like, pretty cool, and like all of my best friends are lesbian or gay. Like, I would say like 90 percent of the friends that I like really enjoy are lesbian or gay. I have some straight friends I really enjoy too. And also I don’t think that you should ever be sent to jail for having an abortion or performing an abortion, so that makes me a pretty bad Catholic. But, I am Catholic because Catholic prayers and…I get a lot out of the Catholic tradition. And uh Catholic prayers have really saved my ass when I was in dark places, and right now I’m really into this guy Richard Rohr, R, O, H, R, who’s a Franciscan and he writes a lot about the Franciscan mystical tradition, and I get so much, I get these like daily email meditations from him. I get so much from them. Because his whole thing is that God is in relationship and that when we find a way to be unified despite being very distinct that’s love and that’s God that we’re experiencing. And that you can see that in the Trinity, and I am someone who feels very pulled apart by my loyalties to different groups. I do feel a lot of loyalty to trans people, I’ve been trans, I know how hard it is and I know how hard it is to find a place to live and find a place to work where people will treat you with any respect. Or even to find a clinic, doctor’s office, that will treat you with any respect. So like, even though I think that my transition in my own life was really a bad idea, a bad thing in my life, when people are shitty to trans people I identify with the trans person. And then you know, I’m really loyal to, I feel a lot of loyalty to radical feminists because one, they’re like one of the only groups that cares about detransitioners. And friends of mine who are radical feminists have really like carried me through really dark moments, they’ve created structures and institutions and groups that have really nourished me, so, and I get a lot out of reading radical feminist writing and so, yeah, I feel a lot of loyalty to radical feminists. And then, I know this is fucking weird, but I feel a lot of loyalty to, I feel a lot of loyalty to a lot of Christian ideas too. I feel a lot of loyalty to the idea that like, sometimes you gotta die in a way. Sometimes you gotta let go of parts of yourself to see what’s next. Sometimes you just gotta give up and like accept that like, you’re kind of humiliated, you’re kind of at a low point, like you are on your own personal version of being like nailed to a tree, and you just gotta trust that there is some kind of loving force in the world that is gonna resurrect you. I know that sounds fucking crazy, I know. I also swear too much to be a good Catholic. So I know that doesn’t make anyone happy, what I just said. But going back to Richard Rohr and the Franciscan mystical tradition, one thing that he has written that I really resonate with is the idea that we’re called to be wholemakers. That like, it seems like all of our differences are insurmountable and it’s the people who choose to be in the middle, the people who choose to be like, “yes, these differences are way too big,” who are actualizing what it is to be like, are experiencing God’s love. I feel so cheesy talking about God’s love. So, yeah that’s where I’m at in terms of ideology and ideas, I feel pretty pulled apart in terms of resonating with different worldviews, and I also feel like, I also feel like fundamentally like my job on this planet isn’t actually supposed to be bolstering up a worldview, it’s supposed to be creating good circumstances for myself and others. And that I’m supposed to love people who think very, very differently about the world than me. You know, it’s easy to love someone who agrees with you, it’s really hard to be loving to someone who disagrees with you. It’s when we act lovingly to people that we disagree with that we really are growing and experiencing, again, God’s love, oh God, so cheesy, ugh this sucks. I’ve gotten a lot of flak from these videos mostly about me being positive, which is interesting because I’m one of the most negative people I’ve ever met in my life, and that’s not only coming from me, like people who know me very well consistently tell me that I’m really negative. And…like I had a therapist tell me that once, my sister thinks I’m the most hateful person she’s ever met, like I had a coworker recently like, who I really like and who I think really likes me, but we were joking about me being spiteful, like I have a lot of darkness in me. But for some reason in my videos and my writing the positive side tends to come out, which is interesting because in my comedy I actually think that I was pretty negative too. So anyway. I don’t know what’s going on with this little middle space I occupy, I don’t understand really where I’m supposed to go with feeling torn between loyalty to trans people, loyalty to radical feminists, loyalty to Christians. I don’t know. But you know it’s the time in my life where I’m coming up on the end of my therapy (masters) program, it’s time for me to really pony up and learn the skills that will help me like create the context of safety that can help, that leads people to like, kind of calling out their own bullshit and like, growing, so it’s time for me to focus up on that. And I think good therapists are able to do that for people regardless of worldview, and that’s the kind of therapist I want to be at least, so anyway. I think these videos have kind of come to the end of how much they serve that purpose and serve the person I want to become in the world. Yeah, so I’m going to write more, I’m going to finally write this memoir thing that I’ve been working on, if you want to support that effort I have a paypal now, so you can like give me money if you feel like it. That money would go to like paying grad school tuition and maybe working a few less nights at the restaurant that I work at just to have the time to write. So you can do that if you want. Regardless of what you think about this stuff and regardless of whether you like my videos or you really dislike them, and regardless of yeah, regardless of all of that, it was nice to meet you. I hope life treats you well, I hope you’re protected, I hope you’re surrounded by really good people who love you and are interested in your experience and are interested in your ambitions and what you want to build in the world, and yeah, I just, I really do think that we’re all in this together, even though we piss each other off so much. Alright, take care guys, bye.

3 thoughts on “My last vid for awhile, but there will be way more writing!”

  1. This was beautiful and lovely! It’s good that you follow your own beliefs instead of adhering to anybody’s party line. If you sometimes agree with the trans community, sometimes with Catholics and sometimes with radical feminists, that’s good—it means you are taking what’s good and meaningful from all three groups and making it part of your own worldview. It really comes through that you want to be reasonable and help people in the best way possible. You will be a fantastic therapist! Looking forward to your writing, it’s always enjoyable.

    Liked by 1 person

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