Fill Up

I worked a lot this weekend. September was a very slow month at the restaurant, so me and all my front of house coworkers are a little bit broke right now. It’s already picking up. Thanksgiving through New Year’s is just a mad rush the entire way through. I need to buy a car- this truck my parents have been letting me drive is on it’s last legs, and it’s really not safe on ice. So that will be where the thanksgiving through New Year’s money goes.

Ooooof, I am so lucky to have this job. This job, my boss, my coworkers, everything about this job. I don’t even know what a mess I would be without this particular restaurant coming into my life. Oh gosh. I am a lucky, lucky kid.

Eddie the cat is more snuggly now that it’s colder. Eddie is very controlling in her cuddling strategies. She likes to lay on my hands. Her preferred style of physical affection is whatever disables my physical movements the most.

I signed up to do a thirty days of yoga thing at the studio I go to and I’ve skipped so many days already. Definitely still going a lot more than if I hadn’t signed up for it but still. I have the kind of brain that needs it everyday. The way it affects my mood is so BIG. I am a much better person on the days I go to yoga. Also smarter. Also happier. But sorer.

Yoga has definitely helped me change my breathing. I sigh a lot more now. But long sighs out really can help you move through stressful times. One of the teachers told me all she knows about yoga and trauma is that traumatized people have way too short out breaths.

I got pretty drunk at work last night watching the debate. How crazy was that? This election better be some kind of process for waking all the women up to what a sexist shit show we’re living in. The idea that someone who has been secretary of state has to debate someone who kept going bankrupt owning casinos and pageants is so nutso. Everything about this election has been the most over the top nuttiness anyone ever could have made up.

I think I’m going to live on chicken soup this winter. I’ve been making lots of slow cooker chicken broth and it’s just so easy to make, and easy to freeze, and I feel like eating it all the time. Also it’s unnaturally cheap. The 6 pack of chicken thighs at Aldi’s is a little less than 4 dollars and I get 3 batches of slow cooker broth out of that. I’ve been buying those thin little asian rice noodles to throw in, cutting up some cabbage and throwing it in, that’s actually a pretty delicious big bowl of soup for a meal. But also I’ll drink it as a snack. It’s like, deeply satisfying.

In my yoga classes the teachers will tell us, when we’re resting and recovering from some crazy set of down dogs and planks and dancing warriors they just put us through, to take a big breath and “fill up.” I think a lot now about filling up when things aren’t stressful. I think that’s the main bad habit trauma teaches people- not to rest fully and “fill up” while you’re resting. You gotta keep going and going and moving and shaking and stirring the pot and making things happen or you won’t be safe. And actually even in the most dramatic, awful life, there are usually moments in the day when you can breathe deeply and fill up with that restful breath. Sometimes no. Certainly maybe not for people trying to survive in Aleppo these days. I don’t want to minimize how terrible life can get. But for waitresses in Cleveland there are actually lots of times to fill up on restful breath.

Man, when I think of how many years of my life I told myself I couldn’t be happy until my life was totally different from the life I had, I can’t even believe it. That I couldn’t be happy till I was a famous comic (BLECH!) or a muscular gay trans man or living in glamorous, beautiful California where all the most interesting and tiresome people live. And actually being a waitress with some body fat and a kind of jerky cat and a slow cooker is my best life. Ahaha, it’s all so ridiculous. Happiness doesn’t work the way tv says it works. Spread the news.

Alright I’m going to go take a shower while my cat yells at me to turn on the faucet in the bathroom sink on so she can drink from it for all of a half a minute.



One thought on “Fill Up”

  1. rrmagawd tass!!
    ” Happiness doesn’t work the way tv says it works. Spread the news.”
    This really resonates with me. I am only tangentially related to the trans trend .. I have a teen female relative who thinks she is a guy… but I have really enjoyed your writing. Your candor and lack of bs is just so f-ing refreshing. Keep healing and I know some day you are going to be one kick ass therapist. Meanwhile, heres to cats — and homemade soup.

    Liked by 1 person

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