Hating your tits!

Hi so this is specifically a video about hating your tits. Uh, I’ve wanted to do this video for a long time but I didn’t know what to say about the topic and specifically I didn’t know what to suggest when you’re having a day where you just really want to rip your tits off. Uh, for me this was the original feeling. My whole like conception of like, being trans and like not fitting into womanhood, the root of all of that really started with this really pronounced feeling, right from the get go when I got my tits that I wanted them gone. And really persistent fantasies, you know I’m talking about age 13 to, even, I still sometimes get them to this day, of, and sometimes very violent fantasies of literally wanting to cut them off myself. Ripping them off, you know fantasies of what my chest would look like without them, and it ties into, you know, sometimes I just literally forget where the boundaries of my body are. I’m better at it these days than I used to be, but especially when I was trans and actually especially long before that in high school, in high school I did this a lot, I, uh, would just get this mental conception of my body as a very up and down body and I would just literally forget in space where the boundaries of my body were. So I was always slamming my ass and my thighs and my breasts into things because I really didn’t, in my head the body that I was moving through space was an up and down, straight, wide shouldered body. It was not the real body I’m moving through space which needs more space between tables to get these thighs through. And needs some space in between, you know, tables and things so that my boobs aren’t like, on stuff. Um, people talk a lot about what gender dysphoria is and I am of the opinion that there are many different kinds of experiences that are being labeled gender dysphoria. But, I will say that one really pronounced experience that almost all the detransitioned women I’ve met have reported has been this really persistent fantasy of wanting their breasts gone. So I think that this is an experience that many, many female people are having. I do want to caution that if you’re considering transition just double check yourself that this feeling in particular is not your root feeling. Because wanting your breasts off does not translate to being happier moving through the world as a man. Wanting your breasts off doesn’t mean that you are gonna like it when men tell you jokes about women. That you are going to like women being afraid of you on the street. That you are going to like having to use male changing rooms and male restrooms and stuff. These are very different things we’re talking about, and you just want to make sure that the future you are creating is exactly the future you really want. And I have met many trans guys who have expressed that one downside to transition is being unrecognizable to women as a female person. It feels like, yeah, of course, isn’t that what you wanted, lots of times people want lots of things that they are chasing through transition and since it’s not fully articulated they can’t double check what it is actually that they are chasing. So, anyway, doublecheck yourself! Take the time and double check yourself. We are not living in a world where your therapist is necessarily going to help you do that. So you as the patient are going to have to be your own therapist. Ok, so, I do have a practice that maybe can help you when you’re having a day when you look in the mirror and you see your tits and you’re like “Ugh, get them off of me!” I have days like that much less often than I did when I was transitioning but…god, when I was transitioning, like, that feeling ran my life, I have to say. Like, every, when I changed my pronouns, when I like…binding, binding made that feeling so much worse. Like, binding should not be your first thing that you try in combating this feeling. Because for me, I was binding for several years before I transitioned and it heightened that feeling so much. I would, when I would take off my binder at the end of the night, the like, total body revulsion and disgust and despair that would weep, that would sweep through me when I saw my tits was so overwhelming. So I do not think that if you hate your tits the first thing that you should try is wearing a binder. Also, it’s been established binders are really bad for you. Because guess what? Your body would like to take full breathes. Who knew? That your body wants to take in the full breath that it’s designed to take. Ok. Alright, but here’s something that helps me. This helped me yesterday. Um, ok, so uh it’s kind of a meditation I guess. What I want you to get in your head is a visual of what you were like when you first grew your breasts. For me, I was 13, my breasts came in really suddenly, like, over a summer I went from nothing to a C cup, which sucked. Ok so let’s try to build like a really thorough image of what you were like when that happened to you. For me, like, I was 13, I have this very pronounced image of me in my high school uniform, which was like a kilt and a white polo, and at that time when I grew in my breasts I developed this really extreme rounded hunch. And if you look at pictures of me from high school it’s just so clear how I was trying to just not attract any attention, like, my hair was just like, I never did my hair, I never like, I had no idea about makeup, because you know makeup is not really my jam, but also because like I didn’t…I just wanted to not be recognizable, I wanted to blend into the background, I didn’t want anyone seeing me. Ok. So let’s just hold that girl in our heads. I mean I’m holding me in my head, but you hold you when you grew your breasts in your head. Ok. Now I have this really pronounced image of me in that uniform at the Rapid station in Cleveland Ohio where I had to take the Rapid across the city to uh, high school everyday. And it, you know, it sucks to be a teenager in like a school girl uniform in a new body, that you just got, taking it across the city of Cleveland every morning. (laughs) Would you believe that dudes are not awesome to that girl? So I have this image of me waiting in the morning for the train, hunched over, big backpack. So we’re just going to do something really simple, we are going to breathe in that younger version of you, we’re going to breathe in her anxiety. (Breathes in.) And when we breathe out we are going to send her protection and love and good vibes. (Breathes out.) Her fear, her anxiety, her kind of watching the people around her, watching the dudes around her. (Breathes in. ) Love and protection for her day, good vibes for her day, good feelings, lots of strength. (Breathes out.) (Breathes in, breathes out.) (Breathes in, breathes out.) I’m not going to do a whole video where I make you watch me breathe. Um. (Breathes in, breathes out.) But I would encourage you to do this for as long as it feels good. Even if you only do it for five breathes, cool. If you get into it, and it feels good to you, and you want to do it for ten minutes, a half hour, hour and a half, I think that if you wanted to you could spend your morning doing this and that’s actually a fine way to spend your morning. Thinking about your younger self, sending her good vibes, sending her strength. You know, one thing that I think that I’m picking up about our culture from how many women that I report, how many women report to me hating their bodies, hating their breasts, hating their thighs, wanting out from under them, is that puberty for girls in this culture is a lot more traumatic than we give it credit for. And puberty unfortunately is a time when a lot of adults in your life stop giving you the kind of affection and support that they were comfortable giving you before, like, for me, my dad became like, visibly uncomfortable hugging me when I went through puberty. The amount that adults provide you physical affection decreases in a big way and what adults tend to tell you about your body tends to be a lot of talk about responsibility and a lot of like stuff about how you need to like watch how your body affects other body, but there isn’t much about how you handle the anxiety and this newfound sensation of being watched all the time, this new sensation that you have to be on guard all the time when you’re out in public. I know that some people have that experience and that feeling long before they go through puberty but in my experience when I went through puberty my experience of being out in public suddenly changed in this really radical way. So I just want you to consider that if you really hate your breasts, you have feelings of cutting them off, tearing them off, just consider that when you went through puberty it might be that the adults in your life really let you down. That the adults in your life didn’t kind of give you that kind of loving support and guidance that you really needed to weather that experience. You did weather the experience, you made it through, so let’s give your younger self some props for being able to figure out how to do that. But she shouldn’t have had to go through that alone like that, she should’ve had women taking time with her to say, “How are you doing? How is having these new breasts? How is having this body? Like, how are you feeling about your body, what’s new, what’s challenging about this for you? What are you doing to take care of yourself, what are you doing to make sure that you have a lot of fun in your day, and what are you doing to make sure that you remember that your body is your own, regardless of how many men are yelling at you in public, your body is your own.” Um, we don’t really have that and you know, frankly the adults in my life were too busy, like, too busy being stressed out about money to sort of have that intentional time with me. Um, so, um, I think it’s worth it to hold your younger self with some love right now. Send her back some love, through time. Send her back some love for how hard she’s working, how anxious she is, how much she is doing despite being very afraid. And when I do this, even if I only do this for five breathes, I feel much more affectionate and protective of my body. So this works for me. And uh, I don’t know, try it out. Play with it. Maybe this is something that thinking about yourself at puberty does some good for you, meditating on sending yourself love back through the ages when you were going through puberty, maybe you know something happened to you in college that you need some love for. Maybe something happened to you at 25 you need some love for, maybe something happened to you at 5 you need some love for. Hopefully now is a time that you can sit and have some peace and send that peace back, um, and sort of, sort of send that younger version of yourself some hope and some love and some protection. Alright, maybe this helps, maybe it doesn’t, regardless, I didn’t wear a bra through it, which is one thing I love about doing youtube videos, you don’t necessarily have to put on a bra for them. Bye.

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