I worked a double today. I’m generally too much of a wuss for a 12+ hour day, but I need the cash this month. I really love the people I work with, they’re very funny, we have a lot of fun together. I made it through the lunch shift pretty positive, but right around 6:30 in the evening I got really mad at Dirt.
I got specifically really mad at the idea that someone was sponsoring me or there was any money connected to me being open with my life like this. Because no. All my money comes from bringing people food. And I try to stay really grateful for getting to work at such a great place, and then every once in awhile I get really bummed out to be waiting tables at my age. Let’s be real, career-wise, being open about detransition was a real self-destructive move. But at each step- whether it was those first essays for the Tusk, and then having this blog, and then doing that guest post for YTCP, and then doing the videos, it was like, well, it’s important to tell the truth, and it helps other people if you tell the truth.
But my life would really be a lot easier if I didn’t need to tell the truth in such a public way. If I had just confided to some friends and kept it there.
I don’t get off on having my face underneath the headline “Escapees from the Trans Cult.” I don’t get off on being discussed on reddit. I don’t get off on being stalked by random people in Michigan.
I’ve been blessed so much since moving back to Ohio. I’ve really tried to notice my blessings a lot more. I’ve tried to write them down, to bring them to the forefront, to remember that I’m so lucky to have stopped the bad ideas and found the good situations I have. But sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by the mess my life has been and whether I’m moving out of that or if I’m walking right into new messes. I don’t want to wait tables forever.
I don’t know, I’m kind of running on faith here. I’m just trying to have faith once I get out of school I’ll still be able to get a job somewhere that’s not waitressing. I’m just trying to have faith these videos and this blog are actually important to people, and not just some kind of exercise in self-destruction. I don’t want people making the wrong choices. I don’t want other people digging out of the hole I’m digging out of. But there’s a part of me that’s like, yeah, but other people probably aren’t as big of a fuckup as you are.
Doing this has been about trying give the experience some value. Like hey I wasted a lot of time and money and accrued a lot of shitty experiences but since I did that at least YOU don’t have to!
People have too many shitty experiences in general. Why not try to put a cautionary tale out there? If one person avoids the shitty experience, then isn’t that worth it? Doesn’t that create some value for me having gone through it?
It’s just even creating the circumstance so that one person avoids the shitty experience is ambitious. It’s just trying to make people acknowledge the complicated, hard stuff in these equations is ambitious. It’s just trying to get people to pony up and be the best versions of themselves with how they talk about this and how they talk to people who are suffering and just trying to feel ok is ambitious.
Everyone’s just trying to feel ok. That’s everyone’s end game. I’m trying to say what I need to how I need to say it to feel ok. I’m trying to say it in the gentlest way I can. I’m trying to say the things that help the most people figure out how to feel ok.
I probably have picked way too ambitious of a project here. I guess there’s some value in embarrassing yourself trying to do an ambitious thing.
Doubles man. It’s hard to work a double. It’s hard to try so hard at such a hard thing. It’s all hard. Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith. Faith in other people’s work. Faith in being ambitious. Faith in the utility of being embarrassed. Faith faith faith.