I have two papers due by monday at midnight. Well, to be specific, I’ve got one due monday at midnight and one that was due last monday at midnight. So…kinda not so smart of me, creating this situation for myself.
But believe you me I have been in this sitch so many times before and it usually works out. Not perfectly, I end up really annoying a professor, and I end up looking irresponsible and immature, and….and it usually works out.
It’s SUCH A GREAT PROBLEM TO HAVE. That’s what I’m thinking about right now, what a totally normal, and none-life threatening, and not freaky problem to have. SO GREAT TO HAVE PROBLEMS LIKE THIS.
I went to see a psychic yesterday. I asked her about my love life, duh. She said there was a hilarious guy who makes me laugh a lot who is very awkward with girls, and tries to flirt with me and I don’t pick up on it when he does. He’s liked me a for a long time.
That could be like, 1 out of 5 of the single guys I know. The list of candidates that could be is a long damn list. LOVE IT. IT’S SUCH A NORMAL THING. It’s like, rom-com levels of normality.
Oh my gosh, being normal is amazing. Basic is such a blessing. Boring, boring, boring day to day life.
I found out my best friend from high school had a beautiful baby girl. That was really weird, because I didn’t even know she was pregnant. I always thought we’d end up being god-mother kind of characters for our kids. I tried to text with her in January and she didn’t say anything about being pregnant. I think she got sick of me when my transition turned into this angsty, never-ending personal drama thing. I think most of my loved ones felt that way about me, like an “oh come on!” kind of reaction. I sort of feel like I can’t blame her. I hope at some point we reconnect. She’s going to be such an incredible mother.
I mean, that is the thing that’s really almost impossible to keep in mind when you’re transitioning- that the people around you feel like they’re putting in lots of work for you, and they don’t feel like you’re a resource for reciprocal care from you. I went to her wedding while I was trans, and I remember she was all nervous about whether I would insist on telling her mom to call me he. (I didn’t, who wants that convo?) But still, I was in a button up and a tie, and her group of friends was really into having this super queer looking person partying at the wedding. I tried to keep my shit away from the day. But I wonder if I still kind of took more attention than felt good to her.
Who knows. I often need to take breaks from people, so it’s hard for me to get mad at friends when they take a break. I think especially since my life is pretty rad right now it’s easy to find understanding for her. I had a lot of people go quiet on me while I was in Cali freaking out, and that was a lot harder to forgive.
I remember having a fight with my sister while I was trans. All of me and my sister’s fights are really about feeling like we’re not cared for by the other one. Oh, and about who gets more attention from our parents. When I moved to Cali I gave her my car and she ended up screwing me on that. (Not changing the registration, getting tickets, boring shit.) But I was in such a bad way I was really angry at her for making more problems for me. She was really angry at me for doing this thing that took all of the family’s attention- she told me she was sick of talking about it with my parents. Then she told me my dad had said, “I just hope she goes through with it because she’s always quitting stuff.”
Because I quit law school. And I quit comedy. And I quit therapy school for awhile. And then I quit being trans too. Dropping out of things is a theme in my life.
But oh my gosh- what if I were a lawyer, or a comedian, or a trans guy right now?! I’d be such a mess. I think in all three cases I’d need to be on benzos. I do wish I hadn’t taken time off from therapy school to go try to be trans in California, but at this point if I hadn’t done that who would I be?
I don’t know, quitting stuff has worked out for me in general. I’m sorry my dad thinks I’m a quitter. I’m sorry my sister and I fight a lot. I’m sorry I didn’t know my high school best friend was pregnant, really pretty sorry about that one. Oh well. Normal people problems, though, pretty good ones to have. I can be a very frustrating person to be in relationship with, and I gotta own that. I think getting better at my money and my relationships are my major goals for the rest of my thirties.
I’ve been watching lots of True Blood. It’s so great to watch a show about a psychic waitress! I want way more waitress-focused media out there. I need some more representation of us.
Thinking about True Blood instead of schoolwork! What a basic bitch thing to do! I gotta grow up and take full advantage of the blessing that is getting to be in school! Grow up and use that blessing to become a more valuable person for this world!
Haha, good times. If this isn’t nice what is?