Man, I visited California and had an agitated-ass time. Just lots of serious conversations about detransition, often with high energy tears in the mix. Too much at once. It’s gonna take me a little bit to come down and get centered after such an intense visit.

I don’t want to be an agitated person. I want to be a very chill person. I want to be chill and friendly. I’d like to chill other people out. But when people are committed to being agitated, that shit really gets to me. I can’t be around that very long. I can take two weeping sessions per day- not two weeping sessions per person, two weeping sessions from anyone, per day.

I guess I’ll need to figure out how to not let it get to me if I’m going to be seeing clients someday. Shit though, two weeping sessions and I need to go sit in a cool, dark, lightly lavender scented room for the rest of the day.

I came home and there were huge clumps of cat hair everywhere, like the cat had exploded while I was gone. I gotta get her shaved. She gets a lion cut, which is pretty silly and cute. I came home and one of the tires on the truck was super flat. Someone got the number off my bank card before the trip, so I made the trip using all cash, which was also pretty stressful. So I gotta get the new bank card from my dad’s house, activate it, and then buy a fix-a-flat canister tomorrow morning. And then go to work! Which is actually awesome because I super need the money and my work is super chill.

No comedy. That will help my chill. Trying to grab as many shifts at work as possible. That will definitely serve my chill. I was going to participate in this June intensive at the yoga studio I go to, where you just make sure to go to a class a day, but I don’t know how I’d get to a class tomorrow. But I guess the rest of the days making a class will help.

Then with this trip I ate way more sugar than I have in awhile. I was just eating a lot because I was so agitated.

Oh gosh I hate being stressed out. Especially when it catches me off guard like this.

Maybe I’ll try to tan by the lake Friday. That will do a lot to mellow me out. This is a song I’m planning to listen to a lot to chill out.

One thought on “Chill”

  1. Your experience of getting agitated by people versus wanting to be chill reminded me of Pema Chodron talking about shenpa – (She was talking about shenpa long before tumblr kids got all over the word “triggered”.) It’s one of those things, though, that no matter how good your intentions some things are still going to get under your skin. Revisiting so much couldn’t have been easy.

    I hope you get your chill back soon.

    Liked by 2 people

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