Breathe in what you need, breathe out what doesn’t serve you is a thing they say a lot in these yoga classes.

I feel like what I need is some devotion.

That same guy who told the audience he’d fuck the shit out of me then told me a couple days later, after I was like, nah we shouldn’t hang out, that “the room seems like a better place when you’re in it” and “watching how you affect people’s lives is super cool.”

I don’t know if I’m a sucker for being so compelled by compliments, but when someone says something so nice to me it  actually means a lot to me. But then I think, well, this guy doesn’t know me, he’s been in the same room with me 3 times, is it just super obvious I’m a sucker who will give it up for compliments?

Some guys take their games very seriously. They devote a lot of energy and consideration to when to give attention, when to take it away, when to be sweet, when to be mean.

I’m from a family where people show they love you with actions and then they are almost always mean with their words. Then I’ve dated a lot of people who said a lot of passionate beautiful things their actions didn’t match. So I don’t trust compliments because they’re an easy con to run on a woman hungry for them. But I am so hungry for them.

I’m tired of being on the lookout for cons. I want to welcome sweetness into my life. I want to welcome compliments and back-rubs and laughter and smiling at each other. I feel like I’ve been on some kind of crazy love binge/starvation cycle my adult life.

I don’t know how to ask for it and not get ruined by it. I don’t know how to ask for it and not be some kind of joke for asking for it.

Some sweetness and devotion. Some nature hikes. Some meals together. Some reading the same books and talking them over. Some catching up on each other’s days. How do people create that? How do I know to trust the right person with that sweetness? How do you ever know that you aren’t getting played, played by your own desire for things to be prettier than they are?

I don’t get how people do this. I don’t get it.



3 thoughts on “Sweetness”

  1. Compliments like that from some dude who doesn’t know you very well are a huge red flag even if he doesn’t say ugly things about you while onstage, sheesh. What usually comes next after all the insubstantial compliments are lots of little very specific criticisms. The whole dynamic works to throw you off guard.

    I think a lot of people get suckered into relationships with toxic people because they get charmed in like that, or else they get talked into believing hostility (whether in action or in word) is somehow excusable, somehow a sympathetic flaw.

    I just look at whether people respect boundaries. Most people don’t seem to get it about boundaries very well, and this is complicated when cohabitating. So I would expect most relationships that aren’t masking some underlying abusive dynamic, develop more slowly, so people can learn each other’s boundaries.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh, you’re totally correct. I guess it’s good to identify a trigger for suckerdom. Now I know this about myself- big compliments are my kryptonite, except of course now I know it, so they’re not.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Some people learn to read other people to see what they’re looking for, and pretend to be it. Some people are better at this than others. I do think one can learn to spot it, though.

        Liked by 2 people

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