Breathe in what you need, breathe out what doesn’t serve you is a thing they say a lot in these yoga classes.
I feel like what I need is some devotion.
That same guy who told the audience he’d fuck the shit out of me then told me a couple days later, after I was like, nah we shouldn’t hang out, that “the room seems like a better place when you’re in it” and “watching how you affect people’s lives is super cool.”
I don’t know if I’m a sucker for being so compelled by compliments, but when someone says something so nice to me it actually means a lot to me. But then I think, well, this guy doesn’t know me, he’s been in the same room with me 3 times, is it just super obvious I’m a sucker who will give it up for compliments?
Some guys take their games very seriously. They devote a lot of energy and consideration to when to give attention, when to take it away, when to be sweet, when to be mean.
I’m from a family where people show they love you with actions and then they are almost always mean with their words. Then I’ve dated a lot of people who said a lot of passionate beautiful things their actions didn’t match. So I don’t trust compliments because they’re an easy con to run on a woman hungry for them. But I am so hungry for them.
I’m tired of being on the lookout for cons. I want to welcome sweetness into my life. I want to welcome compliments and back-rubs and laughter and smiling at each other. I feel like I’ve been on some kind of crazy love binge/starvation cycle my adult life.
I don’t know how to ask for it and not get ruined by it. I don’t know how to ask for it and not be some kind of joke for asking for it.
Some sweetness and devotion. Some nature hikes. Some meals together. Some reading the same books and talking them over. Some catching up on each other’s days. How do people create that? How do I know to trust the right person with that sweetness? How do you ever know that you aren’t getting played, played by your own desire for things to be prettier than they are?
I don’t get how people do this. I don’t get it.