I’ve been thinking about my heart a lot lately. I had to list descriptors of myself in this career guidance class I’m taking, it was sort of a free writing exercise, and this is seriously what I wrote:
“I am hard. I am tough and weird. I am a weirdo. I am done. I am hardened. I am smart. I am annoyed. I am out for myself. I am going to win. I am bled dry. I am ready to begin again.”
Now here’s the thing about me- the best part of me is my heart. I have a lot of other stuff that’s pretty cool about me- I’m a good writer, I can tell a joke, I’m tough, I’m smart. But the best part of me is that when people are in pain I’ll go there with them. I won’t leave them alone there. Looking over my life, and looking at the times people have actually been changed from us meeting, it’s been from finding their heart and meeting them with mine. That’s my superpower.
But GODDAMN has it gotten me into trouble. Because mostly other people cannot do that like I can. So I couldn’t even list the times I’ve tried to get un-alone in my pain and people had to turn away from me. There’s so many ways to do that. It’s mostly the way people react to other people’s pain- they put a wall up, they explain to you how it was your fault, if they can’t identify how it was your fault that’s even worse because they’ll put all these mystical stories on you for how you created it. Like, you attract bad circumstances because you’re negative, not that you just came across some bad people and they beat you up because that’s what bad people do. People make these stories up because being there with you in your pain is too scary. That’s not a thing I’m scared by.
This trans stuff has really tested my heart. I just feel reflexively disgusted by all the grandstanding these saviors on ego trips get into. I know they’re trying to be good people, but when I see them act out, I just want to put them in their place. It’s sick to make other people weak so you can be assured they need you to rescue them. It’s gross. I see that dynamic all over now.
But I’m not here on this planet to point out when people are being gross. People are gross so often, it’s like our default mode. I’m here on this planet to love people. That sounds so stupid written out. But that’s the only way good things happen. Like people when you can like them, love them when you can’t like them.
It’s taken me so much to put my life back together, and it’s so hard to process all the bullshit that happened while I was trans, and then this year while I’ve been trying to get myself ok has been The Year of Caitlin. It’s been too damn much to deal with.
But I have. I’ve held down a job. I’ve passed classes. I’ve worked out a lot. That crippling social anxiety those idiots at that clinic gave me to take back to Ohio- I beat it. I mean, I am totally exhausted by rock shows or young people bars, on this weirdly deep level, but I’m back to being able to meet a new person and get to know them without being on my toes they are going to hate me.
And you know, besides calling idiots idiots when they behave like idiots, I’ve mostly not gotten mean. I’ve had to cut off some disrespectful mo-fos. Some grabby dudes, some savior ladies (white women we need to get over that bs), some repeat offenders re: negging. (This past year was not the year to neg me. And actually none of the years going forward will be the years to neg me either.)
Honestly I’m really impressed with myself. I’ve weathered a lot. I’ve fallen for a lot, but I’ve figured out a lot of bullshit too. And I still got that super-powered heart. It’s like the rest of me just had to be put through a crazy bootcamp to catch up with the heart.
The trans narrative on detransitioners is that we were too weak to get through the hard stuff. Well I declare Fuck That Bullshit. That’s just another reversal. I know myself, and I know so many other detransitioned women, and we are hardcore as fuck. I haven’t met a weak, dumb, or boring one of us yet. I’m psyched for us to finally have each other. I don’t care what the mainstream take on us is. We’re gonna get into some awesome, weird shit together, it’s gonna be so epic, and I wouldn’t miss it for anything.