I think it’s time for me to get electrolysis on my chin stubble. I guess it was inevitable I would eventually. I’m not sure what I was waiting for.
Maybe I was waiting to see if I could find the lady in me who could be chill with stubble. Maybe I just wanted to put off the permanent stuff. I don’t really want to relate to my body like an object to work on like that. But I can’t imagine spending the night with a guy knowing that in the morning I’d have to rush to the bathroom and shave. I did that actually, when I first moved back home. I wonder why I could do that back then and can’t imagine doing it now.
I’ve gained a lot of weight since moving back home. Twenty pounds. Twenty pounds in ONE year. In California I had an hour and half commute to work, and an hour of that was walking to and from train stops, so yeah, that’s what happens when you remove three hours of walking from a daily routine.
I’m feeling pretty ugly these days. There’s something so sad about trying to participate in the femininity thing, and giving it your best shot, and your best shot isn’t very good.
I can’t stay this weight. I just can’t. The way I feel about my body right now is so over the top- I just cannot move through the world looking like this. Feeling this intensely about this feels crazy.
I’m back to my body being an unacceptable object. In another way. But it always comes back around. I’m probably just putting a lot of free-floating anxiety onto my body. No, I definitely am doing that. I’m obsessing about my body because at least it’s a thing within reach for me to control.
I’ll start biking to work on the days I don’t go to school (getting to school definitely requires a car). Biking always has made me lose weight before. And also maybe I can get this anxiety more under control if I’m biking.
But like, eventually I’m going to be this weight again. Because modern life is set up for putting weight on the human body. I can bike now because I don’t have the responsibilities of a real adult. Eventually I’m going to look like a middle aged woman who drives to work and sits down all day at work because that’s what I’ll be. This is an eventuality in my life. MAYBE I’ll get to be a middle aged woman who bikes to work then sits down all day at her job, if I’m really lucky.
Would it really be so bad if the whole world treated me like that middle aged, heavy woman? The thing is, maybe? Middle-aged heavy women aren’t treated so nice. Especially if I’m still single and have to be out there trying to date. OOOFF. That idea scares the shit out of me.
I know I’m putting my anxiety about Everything onto my body because I’m thinking about my body rather than all this trans healthcare stuff. Because this trans healthcare stuff stresses me out to the max. I read some article on Vice about “Myths about Detransition” and there weren’t any female detransitioners in it, and all the article said about us is we’re super rare. And it’s like, GEEZ I know a LOT of these super rare women then.
Then the article said there weren’t only detransitioners who realized they weren’t “really” trans but also detransitioners who couldn’t hack it. Like, they’d be trans if they were stronger. So there’s your choices. You were either totally wrong or not strong enough. And I was like why am I making the choice to read this low-key insulting article? Why am I thinking about this stuff at all? Why can’t I just turn the page, be done with that chapter, and only think about everything else going on in the world?
I don’t know why I can’t. I guess because trans stuff is everywhere, including growing out of my chin. I guess because whatever, this is who I am right this moment. I guess because apparently I’m super rare, and if I was stronger I’d still be trans, or maybe I just was really stupid. I wasn’t just a semi-reasonable, semi-miserable woman doing the best I could with the stories I was told about what you have to do to get rid of symptoms like mine.
I’m scared if I did more activism around this I’d run up against the necessity of a zen approach to people’s weird trips. And I do not feel zen at all. Like, if someone in real life said to me, “don’t you think some detransitioned people are really trans people who weren’t strong enough?” I might bitch them out. I would not come back at them with any nuance. And it feels like if detransitioners are anything less than totally zen, composed, nuanced therapy-speak angels, then we are going to get relegated to the crazy person pile.
THIS WEIGHT DUDES. THE SHIT IS SO HEAVY. I know it’s what I’m made of but if I could just ditch about a third of the weight I would.
Send me good energy to get on my bike.