I think it’s time for me to get electrolysis on my chin stubble. I guess it was inevitable I would eventually. I’m not sure what I was waiting for.

Maybe I was waiting to see if I could find the lady in me who could be chill with stubble. Maybe I just wanted to put off the permanent stuff. I don’t really want to relate to my body like an object to work on like that. But I can’t imagine spending the night with a guy knowing that in the morning I’d have to rush to the bathroom and shave. I did that actually, when I first moved back home. I wonder why I could do that back then and can’t imagine doing it now.

I’ve gained a lot of weight since moving back home. Twenty pounds. Twenty pounds in ONE year. In California I had an hour and half commute to work, and an hour of that was walking to and from train stops, so yeah, that’s what happens when you remove three hours of walking from a daily routine.

I’m feeling pretty ugly these days. There’s something so sad about trying to participate in the femininity thing, and giving it your best shot, and your best shot isn’t very good.

I can’t stay this weight. I just can’t. The way I feel about my body right now is so over the top- I just cannot move through the world looking like this. Feeling this intensely about this feels crazy.

I’m back to my body being an unacceptable object. In another way. But it always comes back around. I’m probably just putting a lot of free-floating anxiety onto my body. No, I definitely am doing that. I’m obsessing about my body because at least it’s a thing within reach for me to control.

I’ll start biking to work on the days I don’t go to school (getting to school definitely requires a car). Biking always has made me lose weight before. And also maybe I can get this anxiety more under control if I’m biking.

But like, eventually I’m going to be this weight again. Because modern life is set up for putting weight on the human body. I can bike now because I don’t have the responsibilities of a real adult. Eventually I’m going to look like a middle aged woman who drives to work and sits down all day at work because that’s what I’ll be. This is an eventuality in my life. MAYBE I’ll get to be a middle aged woman who bikes to work then sits down all day at her job, if I’m really lucky.

Would it really be so bad if the whole world treated me like that middle aged, heavy woman? The thing is, maybe? Middle-aged heavy women aren’t treated so nice. Especially if I’m still single and have to be out there trying to date. OOOFF. That idea scares the shit out of me.

I know I’m putting my anxiety about Everything onto my body because I’m thinking about my body rather than all this trans healthcare stuff. Because this trans healthcare stuff stresses me out to the max. I read some article on Vice about “Myths about Detransition” and there weren’t any female detransitioners in it, and all the article said about us is we’re super rare. And it’s like, GEEZ I know a LOT of these super rare women then.

Then the article said there weren’t only detransitioners who realized they weren’t “really” trans but also detransitioners who couldn’t hack it. Like, they’d be trans if they were stronger. So there’s your choices. You were either totally wrong or not strong enough. And I was like why am I making the choice to read this low-key insulting article? Why am I thinking about this stuff at all? Why can’t I just turn the page, be done with that chapter, and only think about everything else going on in the world?

I don’t know why I can’t. I guess because trans stuff is everywhere, including growing out of my chin. I guess because whatever, this is who I am right this moment. I guess because apparently I’m super rare, and if I was stronger I’d still be trans, or maybe I just was really stupid. I wasn’t just a semi-reasonable, semi-miserable woman doing the best I could with the stories I was told about what you have to do to get rid of symptoms like mine.

I’m scared if I did more activism around this I’d run up against the necessity of a zen approach to people’s weird trips. And I do not feel zen at all.  Like, if someone in real life said to me, “don’t you think some detransitioned people are really trans people who weren’t strong enough?” I might bitch them out. I would not come back at them with any nuance. And it feels like if detransitioners are anything less than totally zen, composed, nuanced therapy-speak angels, then we are going to get relegated to the crazy person pile.

THIS WEIGHT DUDES. THE SHIT IS SO HEAVY. I know it’s what I’m made of but if I could just ditch about a third of the weight I would.

Send me good energy to get on my bike.


9 thoughts on “Weight”

  1. I am 58 and I started growing a substantial beard when I was nineteen. I never took testosterone. And I once spent the night with a man and he said he thought it was nice to shave with a woman in the morning.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I have a few chin hairs and a few hairs besides one side of my mouth I pluck out every few days. Just as a woman who’s never took t. It is probably very common among women. And I know it’s not the same but I’ve put on 11 pounds over the last three years, probably down to a sluggish thyroid in middle age. It is hard not feeling the way you’re used to feeling and want to feel and looking not quite how you want to look, as a happy person rather than someone affected by the poor food and lifestyle stuff most of us have to put up with. In the past knitting helped me loose that stone again and I’m going to try that again in the new year, working on a loom squares bedspread which incorporates flowers. It’s so time consuming to do those types of knitting projects I find every spare moment I’m picking up my knitting bag to get another bit done – instead snacking, which I used to be able to do while keeping my weight reasonable, (though I wasn’t satisfied with it at the time!).


  3. I was about to write “As humans and as women our relationship with our bodies is so strange,” and then it hit me how very odd that phrase is: “our relationship with our bodies.” Wow. Strange in itself.

    Learning to experience my physical self from the inside has been a long, slow study, and such an improvement. Not always pleasurable but creative of an open road instead of the trap in the mirror or the eyes of others. The choices I’ve made have left marks on me, and that’s ok, even if I wouldn’t make those same choices again.

    “Hearing” your voice in your writing I feel that you have a beautiful road ahead of you, full of pain and knowledge. No one who hears you can think that you are weak.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. The claim that detransitioners couldn’t “hack it” reminds me a lot of the “OMG, you’re so *brave*” stuff you hear from non-trans people. It seems very insulting, especially the implication that only an extremely brave person could do something so transgressive/so weird/so anti-trans-stereotype-of-the-day. And the other side of that is the idea that trans people are choosing to transition. So it becomes a choice between being brave and wussing out.

    I guess this is a long way to say, I don’t think that Vice article is as supportive of trans people as the author seems to think it is.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember reading somewhere that T changes your brain chemistry and that a lot of women report being angry in a more intense way than ever before. It wouldn’t surprise me if it also changed the anxiety level and the way you think about yourself, for the worse.

    Here are some thoughts that come to mind and it’s probably nothing you don’t already know.

    As we get older our bodies tend to get a little thicker. This is normal for many women. It is what female bodies do. Unfortunately, we live in a society that despises everything female. If men’s non-childbearing bodies looked like ours and ours like theirs, wouldn’t round, softer features be considered a trait strength and good character along the lines of “if men got pregnant, abortion would be sacrament”? I think so.

    But there’s more. We live in a society that encourages weight gain in fact and deplores it in word. Not only are our modern lifestyles mostly primed for weight gain but so are the usual dietary offerings. You can’t win if you eat and live mainstream and believe you should look like the standard female media models.. The only thing anyone can do is get really educated on the dietary choices and eat as healthfully as possible, and ditch the role-models that DO NOT SERVE US. We all know what that means. It means cleaning out the fridge and pantry, buying or growing only clean (organic, non-gmo, etc.), non-processed food and learning to cook AND learning to make sound dietary choices. There is no other way to reclaim your health unless you’re super rich and can pay someone else to do it all for you.

    The reason so many women are fat-phobic is because of male disapproval more than their own feelings about their own bodies. If men weren’t constantly judging and berating us for not meeting their ideals of femininity, would any woman care about a few extra pounds? If the playing field weren’t rigged to make survival harder for women who won’t play the gender weight game, would any woman give a shit about not being a bean pole?

    Middle age can actually be a lovely thing. It is the time in life when we learn not to give a shit about male approval. If we haven’t yet, it is the time in life when we learn self-love and empowerment.

    You are worthy.


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