That last post is my most popular post after a a day and a half. It’s because it fits in with a lot of people’s political visions.  I should be happy, to find like-minded people, and to have people interested in my words, and to have a popular post.

But mostly I just wish this wasn’t a political issue. I wish it was like blogging about getting a divorce. I wish I didn’t have to shut down and shut up about it in my day to day life. I wish that people in trans health of course treated these decisions in their client’s lives as big, life-changing, can’t ever take it back decisions. That’s what they are. As far as life-changing, can’t ever take it back decisions, taking testosterone is something like getting married. Except your body is permanently changed. But money-wise, and psychological stress-wise, it’s something like getting married and then divorced.

In the trans scene hormones and top surgery is treated more like getting a full sleeve tattoo. Life-changing, but pretty rad-looking, and you as a person don’t change, you are just now a cooler person with a cooler looking arm. Let me tell you. You change as a person. You learn things about people you don’t want to know about people. You learn things about how you fit into other people’s worldviews that you really would rather not know.

Are you permanently broken, have you been sacrificed, have you been mutilated? Are you a symbol of purity destroyed? Well, maybe, but also you download music and brew coffee and get mad in traffic and go on terrible dates. To some people you represent a kind of death. But as far as you know you’re still not dead.

It feels like I’m that guy who got the pipe through his skull but kept living. So the people who knew me from before are sort of like, “ok, so we can see the pipe sticking out of her head, but she’s talking and moving around so I guess everything’s ok? I guess the pipe isn’t a big deal?” And I’m just trying out hairstyles to try and camouflage the pipe through my head, because a new person in my life would of course, very understandably, be like, “A pipe through your head?! a person can live with a pipe in their head?! you should be in a medical oddities museum!” And the doctors are like, “uhhhhhhhh…..I’ve never had a patient with a pipe through her head and I can’t find any journal articles about patients with pipes in their heads…..maybe you’re trans and should go back on testosterone.”

That’s a thing about being detransitioned, is not wanting to tell doctors. Because they get very confused and scared. Therapists are even worse. Therapists want to be the person who HELPS you be a happy trans story, it blows their damn minds for you to say that’s not a way to get happy. It frankly doesn’t take much to blow a therapist’s mind. You show you can see and think about the processes happening around you and they get very flustered. You bring up logistical concerns that are central to this process and all they can do is look sympathetic, and you can tell they’re really thinking hard about how their sympathetic face looks.

When I say I regret taking testosterone, what I also mean is I’m swimming in a sea of other people’s bullshit around this stuff and I just want to get out of this damn bullshit sea. I just want people to get over their weird ego trips around this stuff and calm the fuck down and think things through. Also it would be really good for there to be actual science done about the symptom of dysphoria? Like maybe we could take those post-surgery high suicide rates and try to work on bringing them down- not through more trans people on magazine covers but actually create some treatment models?

No, I know my post yesterday was a much better one. I know this particular post was selfish and confusing. This is a selfish blog. It has a confusing viewpoint. The writer is chronically agitated. She can’t wait to hold in her bitching until she can make it pretty.


9 thoughts on “Popular”

  1. You go, girl. Honestly. The comparison to a sleeve tat is brilliant and … teen girls and young adult women getting a diet of ‘my journey with T’ on youtube are seeing it just that way. A cool way to check out of bad feelings and bad experiences involving being female-bodied. The enormity of the medical and emotional implications is just not there in the youtube echo chamber. I don’t blame these women. I do blame the med/psych/pharma profession’s reckless application of risky treatments, quite a lot. As a mom to a young woman considering transition (off and on), I am grateful for your guts and your voice. I know the writing costs you something. Thank you.

    Liked by 8 people

  2. There are a lot of us who have been spending years reading about the transgender phenomenon. Some of us read more formal work, some of us more blogs, so I can’t speak for everyone, but there were things in your previous piece that I did not know about. What we share is the desire to lift any veils of secrecy about the medical outcomes of hormone treatments and surgeries, so it is not surprising that your post was so popular.

    The pipe-in-the-head analogy is brilliant, and the issue of subjective attitudes towards medical transitioning, on the parts of medical personnel, is well worth delving into. Stay strong!

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Thank you very much for being here. Your writing is the raw, unvarnished truth that the celebrity-besotted media refuses to acknowledge. “Unavoidable”–and this post–should be required reading for every doctor, psychologist, and researcher who works with people who have dysphoria. You said this post is selfish and confusing. But to me, all your writing is so very lucid and, just by your being willing to share it with us, an act of kindness. Thank you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This post is really great too. Though a male detransitioner, I can identify with a lot of what you say around dealing with people and doctors and therapists around being detransitoned. I have made new friends and acquaintances since and haven’t told many of them about my journey. I also wanted to say I appreciate your writing in general a great deal and I am glad that it is here.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have a lot of very important things to say, from your perspective, that many people will benefit from hearing. I do. In addition, IMHO, you express yourself well and write with insight and clarity. Just be you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Not confusing at all..unless I am missing something? I like your writing very much, and I’m glad more people are finding it. Your last post was popular because it is well written and lucid. Just like all your more personal stuff. I wish I could write as clearly about the politics of it all. My most popular posts are the personal ones about my relationship with the torturer (as I call him). People are drawn to confessionals, I suppose. I’m like the National Enqurer to your New Yorker. Keep writing about whatever you want talk about. You are good at it. And a more important voice than I think you know.

    Liked by 2 people

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