That last post is my most popular post after a a day and a half. It’s because it fits in with a lot of people’s political visions. I should be happy, to find like-minded people, and to have people interested in my words, and to have a popular post.
But mostly I just wish this wasn’t a political issue. I wish it was like blogging about getting a divorce. I wish I didn’t have to shut down and shut up about it in my day to day life. I wish that people in trans health of course treated these decisions in their client’s lives as big, life-changing, can’t ever take it back decisions. That’s what they are. As far as life-changing, can’t ever take it back decisions, taking testosterone is something like getting married. Except your body is permanently changed. But money-wise, and psychological stress-wise, it’s something like getting married and then divorced.
In the trans scene hormones and top surgery is treated more like getting a full sleeve tattoo. Life-changing, but pretty rad-looking, and you as a person don’t change, you are just now a cooler person with a cooler looking arm. Let me tell you. You change as a person. You learn things about people you don’t want to know about people. You learn things about how you fit into other people’s worldviews that you really would rather not know.
Are you permanently broken, have you been sacrificed, have you been mutilated? Are you a symbol of purity destroyed? Well, maybe, but also you download music and brew coffee and get mad in traffic and go on terrible dates. To some people you represent a kind of death. But as far as you know you’re still not dead.
It feels like I’m that guy who got the pipe through his skull but kept living. So the people who knew me from before are sort of like, “ok, so we can see the pipe sticking out of her head, but she’s talking and moving around so I guess everything’s ok? I guess the pipe isn’t a big deal?” And I’m just trying out hairstyles to try and camouflage the pipe through my head, because a new person in my life would of course, very understandably, be like, “A pipe through your head?! a person can live with a pipe in their head?! you should be in a medical oddities museum!” And the doctors are like, “uhhhhhhhh…..I’ve never had a patient with a pipe through her head and I can’t find any journal articles about patients with pipes in their heads…..maybe you’re trans and should go back on testosterone.”
That’s a thing about being detransitioned, is not wanting to tell doctors. Because they get very confused and scared. Therapists are even worse. Therapists want to be the person who HELPS you be a happy trans story, it blows their damn minds for you to say that’s not a way to get happy. It frankly doesn’t take much to blow a therapist’s mind. You show you can see and think about the processes happening around you and they get very flustered. You bring up logistical concerns that are central to this process and all they can do is look sympathetic, and you can tell they’re really thinking hard about how their sympathetic face looks.
When I say I regret taking testosterone, what I also mean is I’m swimming in a sea of other people’s bullshit around this stuff and I just want to get out of this damn bullshit sea. I just want people to get over their weird ego trips around this stuff and calm the fuck down and think things through. Also it would be really good for there to be actual science done about the symptom of dysphoria? Like maybe we could take those post-surgery high suicide rates and try to work on bringing them down- not through more trans people on magazine covers but actually create some treatment models?
No, I know my post yesterday was a much better one. I know this particular post was selfish and confusing. This is a selfish blog. It has a confusing viewpoint. The writer is chronically agitated. She can’t wait to hold in her bitching until she can make it pretty.