I’m not doing so hot.
On Friday, I was going to hang out with this guy after work. This guy who sometimes acts like he really likes me, in that way, and then sometimes doesn’t. I hung out with him last saturday and my friend asked, “What’s up with Tom? He’s all over you.” And I rolled my eyes and said, “That’s what he does, and then the next time I see him he’ll act like he’s got somewhere better to be.”
So then last sunday he texts me asking if he pissed me off, because he feels like he did. We text back and forth. We text back and forth later in the week. He asks if I want to hang out this weekend. I get my hopes up. We make plans for friday. I bring makeup to work on Friday, I finish my shift and do my face, and make sure my hair looks cute, my clothes look cute, I brush my teeth, I make sure I am looking right.
When we meet at the bar he tells me he’s invited Alex, a mutual friend, out. And I deflate. But I’ve had to deflate with Tom so much, this process of hopes up, hopes down is just….it’s just normal. Alex comes to the bar. Alex is dating a woman who has been in my life longer than he has. I’ve known both Tom and Alex for a decade now. Alex likes to be around me a lot more than I like to be around him. He has a habit of asking me deep questions, and then only letting me get 4 words out in response before interrupting me with what he thinks I think. I never get to actually tell him my perspective. Both he and Tom turn paternalistic with me very quick. I enjoy the company of the woman Alex dates much more than I enjoy his company.
Tom and Alex together talk in such a way I can only be an audience member for their two man show- lots of talking over, lots of interruptions. It’s not a good show.
We go to a bar. I dance. Tom talks to another woman. Alex spins me. Tom invites us both to his house to watch tv.
I shouldn’t have gone. I should know better by now. Tom drives me to his place, Alex drives separate. We get there and I say I’m not drinking anymore, but does Tom have weed? Alex and Tom keep drinking. Tom’s sister comes over. Tom and Alex are yelling at the tv, putting on the Tom and Alex show. I’m high and giggly. Alex is sitting next to me and keeps touching me, and I keep moving away from him, and he keeps putting his hands back on me. I think this is somehow a joke I don’t understand. When Tom yells at the tv Alex says quietly to me, “You want to take that on? It’s you or no one.” He says this over and over. And I don’t get the joke, I don’t get it, am I the joke, was it stupid of me to like Tom, have I been so obviously stupid, and why does Alex put his hand right back on my knee after I move it off of me? What’s the joke? What’s the game? Is he doing an impression of something? He puts his head on my shoulder, he ruffles my hair, he puts my hand on his head to ruffle his hair. Are we putting on a play? Why’s he doing this and at the same time talking to me about Tom?
Then Tom’s sister goes home. She says before she goes, “You want to come to my place, you feel safe here?” She says it like a joke. Ugh.
She leaves. Very quickly Tom goes upstairs without saying a word. Alex shuts the door behind her, turns off the lights, and lays down on me, his head on my thighs, his arms stretched up for a hug. I move away and ask “What’s with the cuddling?”
He says, “You’re being weird,” and moves again to be on me.
I get up. I say, “No I’m telling you I’m not comfortable with you touching me.”
He says, annoyed, “Well where am I supposed to sleep?”
I move to a chair. He moves to a chair. I sit in the dark with my heart pounding and I know there’s no reality in which I would fall asleep with him in the room. I grab my phone and go to the bathroom and call an Uber. I wait in the bathroom until the Uber pulls up.
When it’s in front of the house I go downstairs and try to put my boots on. Alex gets up and stands about a foot away from me. I’ve already got my bag on my shoulder. I say “This was a mean situation to put me in.” He says, “What?” I say, “Trying to cuddle with me when I know your girlfriend.” I get out the door. I get home. I shower. I cry.
I text Tom saying it seems like the two of us hanging out was just a cover to give Alex a chance to get on me. I say I’m sad and confused about it. The next day Tom sends me 4 big texts saying that’s asinine and insulting and ridiculous. I say to forget I said anything.
Alex sends me facebook messages saying he was blackout drunk and what did he do? I tell him what he did. I say I’m not going to want to talk to him for awhile. He sends me three messages of how sorry he is.
I’ve just been crying on and off since. I was supposed to go to a baby shower saturday and didn’t go because of the crying. I’ve had to work three shifts since with this surprise crying thing happening. I messaged Alex’s girlfriend about it. She was nice and she said Alex told her what happened and the accounts match up. She thanked me for telling her and said she was sorry he freaked me out.
I just feel like such garbage. I feel like such garbage for thinking a guy liked me like that and feel like such garbage for having to tell another guy he can’t touch me like that and feel like such garbage for crying so much since. I just feel defective. What is it about me that makes guys be such brazen creeps with me? How do other women hang out with guys if they’re such brazen creeps?
I know my PTSD is triggered, and all these thoughts I’m having about being garbage is due to that, but seriously, if there’s anything worse for your self esteem than being 33 at a waitress job and having to go to the bathroom to stop yourself from crying I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to be upset by this stuff. I also DON’T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. I don’t want to EVER have to tell a man to stop touching me again. I definitely never want to hide in a bathroom till an Uber comes again. I guess I should know better than to drink with men. I just have known those guys for so many years! But no matter how many years they’ve known you a drunk guy is a drunk guy, and a drunk guy is an awful guy.
I hate being straight. I hate being me. I feel like I’m in so deep in the fuckup game I don’t even know how to spiral myself out. I feel like I’m trying so hard to not be a mess and I keep not being able to escape it.
EDIT: This was good for me to write. It was good to be able to read it over. I think it’s kind of a wake up call about self-care. I think it’s pretty normal for drunk guys to act the way Alex did, and I think I’ve been hanging out around drunk guys too much. Probably just hanging around guys in general too much. And taking on too much, with school and work and performing. I have to go hard this week, unfortunately, but after Saturday I think I need to like, schedule chilling for myself. Just school and work, no performing, no hanging out with dudes. Staying at home, coloring, dancing, cleaning a little bit more. Remembering I’m still raw.